real eyes, realize, real lies

today i've taken a look at my life from a different stand point. one night i was painting i.ve realized there have been a lot of set backs this past year. i'm tired of a lot of repetitive things that i don't need in my life. so i've taken them out, things already are starting to become full of shape again. i've been wearing a lot of blue. last night sean and i sold a lot of stuff we don't use he made me moon cycle tea. i've only been hanging out with my closest friends an taking a lot of time to be alone. going on walks, giving myself a certain genre of things to photograph during the day. i've seen so many people close to me, change in ways that i remember thinking of how much i hated when people did that in high school. i quit my intolerable job because i was surrounded of hypocritical, self loathing, and manipulative people. sean and i have been making organic soaps to sell and setting our own hours to work. it feels good to work for yourself and be completely free. things were emotionally wrecked after my friend eric committed suicide. i got confused of left and rights, i stopped talking, and stopped even painting for a while. all i knew was how much i missed him and that there was this black hole eating away at every ounce/part of happiness that would appear; that hurt physically & sometimes uncontrollably. i knew it would always be there. its still there, except its not black. it's not a colour at all. it's a place inside of me that eric has and will always have. i'm just happy that we existed together and will be forever grateful of that time we had, the things we did and secrets we told. things are changed, i see things in a different array of spirals than before. this year has been so emotionally exhausting, tiring and heart breakingly beautiful. this past weekend my best friends and i went to the zoo. i fed a giraffe, we saw a fennec fox sleeping & pet manta rays that were slender, slimy, and grey. after getting back stephanie and i went underwater and told each other things that no one else could understand. we floated for a while in the sun. then sunk to the bottom of the pool watching the water move above us. as our hair moved like mermaids and spread with the water. lines from the sun moved over us in circular rhythms like the sea. before going home she surprised  me with our twin owl lip balms after we dressed in oriental attire for fun & laughed so hard we couldn't breathe.

cold summer

 i’ve had this dream twice. once last night & once three weeks after one of my best friends, eric committed suicide. there aren’t any words said through out this whole dream.i’m just going to write it down.to get it out.

 i’m alone in a secluded,off white house in the desert. the paint is chipping off and you can see parts of the brown wood underneath. it’s old, its my house in the dream.

 there is nothing in this house except for a very light pink antique parisian love seat with an off white border. there are open windows with no glass, just open square holes in the walls. a light breeze coming in causing the white sheer curtains to waft in the wind.my hair is down & i’m wearing a light pink night gown, it goes down to my ankles.

 i look at the curtains standing in the middle of the room. staring out the window at the sand, some specks glide lightly over one another. & all of the sudden the scene changes.

im standing in the kitchen doorway. the two sided kitchen leads to the dining room where an off white picnic table sits. the paint is chipping off but it still looks beautiful, just like the house. this time i’m in a light pink, off the shoulder dress looking up. glitter confetti falls down, my arms open, my eyes close as my hands catch the confetti. there are boys in tuxedos. though it never shows any of their faces; all of them are talking, laughing, and eating chocolate cake amongst each other. it’s my birthday.

 through out the boys in tuxedos and my birthday party, i’m disconnected. i see people but not their faces. i hear chatter but am not involved in any conversation. i see a familiar face out of the corner of my eye, sitting at the end of the table on the left. wearing all black, but not in a tux. alone, disconnected, content, just like me. i walk over and he turns to me, its my friend eric, he looks up at me smiling only with his eyes.

 all the sudden its back to the beginning of my dream, where i’m standing looking out of the window. i’m back in my pink long gown, only this time.. i’m not alone. eric is standing next to me. we sit together on the old parisian love seat. i lean my head on his shoulder, he leans his head on me. we sit in comfortable silence expressionless.just like we used to.

 then i wake up, feeling like he was really there. feeling like i was just with him, and he was letting me know he’s okay.

my eyes are your kaleidoscope

lately i’ve got that jungle woman hair, been busy planning camp outs with my best friends around lunar eclipses & meteor showers. playing music for everyone, everywhere. waking up to a dog that acts like a kitten & a cat that looks like an owl at my best friends apartment every other weekend. i’m super excited to develop some 35mm film from different cameras. i quit my intolerable job & spent the last of my money on a banjo. our garden is thriving. last week, we made all organic soaps to sell.stayed up late eating donuts intensely watching e.t. because sean had never seen it. i’m ready to start finishing some old paintings that i haven’t had time for lately. i’ve been waking up from different vivid dreams.. strangely with good plots that should be vampire movies. ups brought a wonderful c.d that i’d forgotten i ordered a while ago & have been listening to on repeat. yesterday we had a family dinner at my granmas for my uncles birthday and ate some comfort food. am super drained/energetic from the abundance of love from the beautiful people i’ve gotten to see this month. right now seans asleep with a fever in bed, our cats asleep on my vanity and i’m going to partake in breakfast at tiffanys with some apple sauce and gypsy tea. i’m a very tired, happy girl.

 

astrud astrud, ambulance. insound tour series no. 12

this song plays when :

⋆youre sitting in your room painting with the window open & an incant burning

⋆youre riding your bike in the cold with a scarf covering your pink nose

⋆youre stepping off of a plane in florida for instant humidity;entertaining yourself with feet moving from
  square to square, trying to step on every crack without getting any slower

⋆youre a senior on the city bus ditching school to watch monty python and the holy grail with your boyfriend

⋆youre falling asleep outside on a quilt your great great grandmother made for you

⋆youre dreaming

⋆youre on a train to santa barbara to visit your best friend & take photos with tall plastic purple dinosaurs

made these with charcoal, paint & ink

childhood

carnival rides

i told my little brother to see the water

my birthday party (pink)

i got you,babe

our childhood we were taken everywhere in this green wagon

my cousin and i were princess baby mermaids

wanderlust within & the we are trees ep

slept in late, with this song on repeat this past month