today i've taken a look at my life from a different stand point. one night i was painting i.ve realized there have been a lot of set backs this past year. i'm tired of a lot of repetitive things that i don't need in my life. so i've taken them out, things already are starting to become full of shape again. i've been wearing a lot of blue. last night sean and i sold a lot of stuff we don't use he made me moon cycle tea. i've only been hanging out with my closest friends an taking a lot of time to be alone. going on walks, giving myself a certain genre of things to photograph during the day. i've seen so many people close to me, change in ways that i remember thinking of how much i hated when people did that in high school. i quit my intolerable job because i was surrounded of hypocritical, self loathing, and manipulative people. sean and i have been making organic soaps to sell and setting our own hours to work. it feels good to work for yourself and be completely free. things were emotionally wrecked after my friend eric committed suicide. i got confused of left and rights, i stopped talking, and stopped even painting for a while. all i knew was how much i missed him and that there was this black hole eating away at every ounce/part of happiness that would appear; that hurt physically & sometimes uncontrollably. i knew it would always be there. its still there, except its not black. it's not a colour at all. it's a place inside of me that eric has and will always have. i'm just happy that we existed together and will be forever grateful of that time we had, the things we did and secrets we told. things are changed, i see things in a different array of spirals than before. this year has been so emotionally exhausting, tiring and heart breakingly beautiful. this past weekend my best friends and i went to the zoo. i fed a giraffe, we saw a fennec fox sleeping & pet manta rays that were slender, slimy, and grey. after getting back stephanie and i went underwater and told each other things that no one else could understand. we floated for a while in the sun. then sunk to the bottom of the pool watching the water move above us. as our hair moved like mermaids and spread with the water. lines from the sun moved over us in circular rhythms like the sea. before going home she surprised me with our twin owl lip balms after we dressed in oriental attire for fun & laughed so hard we couldn't breathe.
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