so small with a wide eyed open sky

     simultaneously looking at the snow capped mountains

    feeding deer friends

    tarot readings & seasonal beer in the middle of a forest,soaking up all positive energy from negative
    ions that came from pine trees

    after climbing a huge ass rock

    sean

 

in my deepest blue

 
 eric james and i would take turns with my eyeliner, to write random messages on leaves and put them in spots we knew people would find them. im having trouble coping with his death. i believe theres a fine line between loosing it and getting it,but im somewhere in between. im having trouble finding beauty in things that were so easily loved before. to my close friends, im sorry for not showing up or calling you back when i promised to. its not like me, im sorry. what do you do with the pieces of a broken heart? when you physically hurt from missing someone. double glancing at some one downtown because it looks like you, to realize.. it doesnt look like you at all. knowing its just, missing you. i love you eric,  thank you for your smile. thank you for our songs we sang in the grass under the sun. thank you for walking around town with me, and holding my hand. thank you for the random notes with inside jokes and talking late on the phone about nothing/everything. thank you for being the only one out of our friends to notice i wasnt at school, taking the liberty to call me & bring snicker doodles & watch amelie & the original death at a funeral when i had 103 fever. thank you for looking out for me. especially when i used to waitress at dennys; taking me to claire's & getting me that awesome real looking wedding ring..having me say your name when i pretended to be married & that surprise show up visit kiss you gave me, also wearing a 'wedding ring' so that middle aged stalker would never come in for coffee at three am ever again. thank you for our poetry. thank you for the short films we made alone when you would spend the night. thank you for your laugh,& thank you for your love. i'm sorry people are the way they are, but i will continue to show kindness even to those i don't think deserve it. im happy we existed together. i sang at your memorial, that song.. just like you made me promise to. i felt you there.. i dont know how but i didnt cry. picturing you on my lap singing it with me helped. thank you for that. thank you for being you. i love you & miss every thing. every single day. i know deep down as hard as it is to say.. youre happier now ♥ 

a kiss on your forehead. ill be seeing you*

farmers market power ranger bubbles

                                                                   yellow

                                 blue

                                                                                                red

lost concert

  pixies playing, sean and i danced and screamed to their music, we met some cool new people. i met a girl  wearing an outfit similar to mine & she painted my nails, i sang her a song.. got to paint with brooke monster & my photos from the concert were stolen along with my cell phone by this asshole gangster dude. when the pixies played where is my mind every ones dialogue bled into one & countless amounts of lighters filled the air & swayed back & fourth. then they played into the white, the theatre filled with white smoke,now everyone screaming along. after the song i ran into the bathroom and trashed my tights because i was so hot. such a great concert.

instrumental song & video we made for fun

short stories at 7am

When I was still in high school my favourite thing to do at night was take a warm shower,have a hersheys kiss, and read in my room with across the universe on as a silent artistic backround. Sometimes Id read...sometimes Id paint with my music on.It was a transforming time in my life, I was learning what it was like to stay in one place for the first time. I was sixteen, Id moved 22 times & had no idea Id ever be in the same room with these musicians.
 Younger I lived with my mom, venturing with her everywhere & learned to love it. We would settle in, get to know the place .. the spots we liked,the good restaurants . . the bad ones. I met so many people, sometimes we wouldnt stay long at all but I learned how to not get too attached & grew up fast but was still very much sheltered. It was fun, and Im so fortunate that we can go to so many places now & have so many great friends scattered through out every where and remain close to them even from far away.
 When I was fifteen something bad happened to our family.After that my mom dated this asshole for a while. He would call my five year old sister fat. She would cry and now shes always watching her weight. It KILLED me. If I heard anything like that I would take her into the bathroom and she would be crying. With tears Id tell her she was beautiful and to never listen to anyone that would tell her other wise. I was the only one that didnt accept how he would demean us. Then he threw me and pushed me around.. thats when I moved in with my dads family for the first time.
 My dads house had a routine and was "normal" but a bit boring to me at first..they ate dinner together & it was so foreign and awkward to me because with my mom we all did our own thing. I wasnt used to it & had to ease into it. It became one of my favourite parts of the day,dinner with my family. Thats where I stayed for a long time. I was "the new girl" again. I quietly sat and listened to my ipod alone and happy. That year I heard this song for the first time. I swallowed the weepies whole. That year was the calmest of my life & this song reminds me of that. That and learning what its like to live stay grounded for a long period of time. Have a routine of my own & I admire it as much as traveling. Now both to me are of equal importance.
 This year I was driving to my apartment after visiting a friend and saw tiny sign after passing downtown. THE WEEPIES in two days. I got the tickets straight away & sean had never heard of them so it was one of the greatest suprises. Steve and Deb Talan were the sweetest and most hilarious people. Once through out the night I remember them mentioning moving around. Deb said,"I settled down when I got pregnant with Theo.I was scared to leave the house, because I was one!And well,I didnt leave our house for three years." It was so sweet. Listening to it right now..its funny how one song can bring all of this back, & make me feel like Im in my old room,eating a hersheys kiss and having my first glass of wine. Before the show Sean & I were walking in opposite directions around a light pole & their manager stopped at looked at us .. we all laughed. This married couple has to be one of the sweetest youll ever meet & that show was a dream.

i feel like a ball of snow