energy given in an array of blues & purples

we are the whistling breeze through the trees, we are the winter by the sea

that feeling you get, well i dont know if you get it but i do.

when you're living in the woods, sleeping a tent for so long. then you come home.

you step into the house. it just feels different, weird but in a bad way; you dont like it.

 that's what happened to me this week. i miss the smell of campfire in my hair. i miss all of the big trees that surround us.with some dark spots, right next to some sunlit leaves creating a mysterious ambience. i miss being in that place waking up to hear birds sing their own songs instead of mimicking car alarms.

we set up camp with some friends the first couple of nights. sean cooked for everyone the whole time,

just like he always does. he loves cooking so much, its awesome for me! but i still like to

help out every so often(:
 sean james and i got there the first night. we hiked our stuff a ways back to set up in the forest. near a campground, so we could walk & use the restrooms sometimes. (shh!) we showed our friends a secret hike to a waterfall. you end up at the top of it, where there are pools you can swim in. we soaked in them a few summers ago. this time they were too cold. we went on a side trail that led to a private yet abandoned cabin. found a hug tree stump, with a ladder cut into it and two chairs at the top. a sign said not to pass, but we did anyway. we sat on the chairs nervous but got some photos - oh! speaking of stumps i also am creating a new blog. its called hugging trees haha its pictures of people i know, hugging trees with their name and what kind of tree it is. sounds like a fun hobby for a while[: i thought of it while listening to the water from our sleeping bags, awake, holding his hand that was wrapped around me.
 anyway, we got back, made dinner, had a couple of beers, played music & talked amongst each other, together and seperatley. we woke, ate smores before breakfast and had extremely long talks about different cereal killers and which ones we thought were the craziest. i think ted bundy/ jack the ripper take the cake but i won't get into that now.
 after a couple of days everyone left but we stayed to camp alone. i thought i'd be more afraid but it was so peaceful, calming. being away from everyone. i can feel myself transitioning back into my old ways. old ways where i have my phone off all day, don't like the computer so much or hanging out with anyone really. loving solitude. there was a creek behind our tent. dreaming was great, so relaxing to fall asleep with the water moving in the background.
  i like to sit on stumps over rivers, watch the clear water flow gently over the rocks.

you look up, endless numbered trees with vivid greens and browns. so vast, engulfed in a sea of browns and greens.

the air fills your lungs with purity, a breeze comes. the cold wind bites your bare skin

 you love it because you hate the heat, but got stuck with a july birthday in california.

put on my moccasins, camera and brown jacket for a walk to gather some wood.

we brought some but more friends showed up so we didn't have enough.

 we took a walk, talking, seeing over sized lady bugs, vivid yellow flowers, black and white butterflies. there were also some small pink and purple butterflies i got some shots of.

anyway here is a photograph i like of an over sized pine cone.

everything is untouched in this particular forest so it has room to grow.

this is what a real pine cone looks like[:

 on the way home we were loading up my car, i was grabbing something.. sean saw a mouse in my trunk. guess it got in with one of the bags. it chews up any paper. the ride home everytime we remembered there was a mouse with us we giggled in all hope it wouldn't crawl up one of our legs while i was driving. sean thinks mice are creepy, i have to show him the movie the green mile.. then he.ll think they're cute. i made him promise not to freak out if the mouse showed up, if anything ever showed up! you cannot freak out when someone is driving a car haha
  we stopped on the side of the road near a field before coming home. it's lady bug season in a couple weeks. the air was filled with them. i had never seen so many all at once in my life. it was magical, a myriad of them swarmed around us. there wasn't a place you could look and not see clusters. we smiled, got back in the car and listened to iron & wine on the way home.

real eyes, realize, real lies

today i've taken a look at my life from a different stand point. one night i was painting i.ve realized there have been a lot of set backs this past year. i'm tired of a lot of repetitive things that i don't need in my life. so i've taken them out, things already are starting to become full of shape again. i've been wearing a lot of blue. last night sean and i sold a lot of stuff we don't use he made me moon cycle tea. i've only been hanging out with my closest friends an taking a lot of time to be alone. going on walks, giving myself a certain genre of things to photograph during the day. i've seen so many people close to me, change in ways that i remember thinking of how much i hated when people did that in high school. i quit my intolerable job because i was surrounded of hypocritical, self loathing, and manipulative people. sean and i have been making organic soaps to sell and setting our own hours to work. it feels good to work for yourself and be completely free. things were emotionally wrecked after my friend eric committed suicide. i got confused of left and rights, i stopped talking, and stopped even painting for a while. all i knew was how much i missed him and that there was this black hole eating away at every ounce/part of happiness that would appear; that hurt physically & sometimes uncontrollably. i knew it would always be there. its still there, except its not black. it's not a colour at all. it's a place inside of me that eric has and will always have. i'm just happy that we existed together and will be forever grateful of that time we had, the things we did and secrets we told. things are changed, i see things in a different array of spirals than before. this year has been so emotionally exhausting, tiring and heart breakingly beautiful. this past weekend my best friends and i went to the zoo. i fed a giraffe, we saw a fennec fox sleeping & pet manta rays that were slender, slimy, and grey. after getting back stephanie and i went underwater and told each other things that no one else could understand. we floated for a while in the sun. then sunk to the bottom of the pool watching the water move above us. as our hair moved like mermaids and spread with the water. lines from the sun moved over us in circular rhythms like the sea. before going home she surprised  me with our twin owl lip balms after we dressed in oriental attire for fun & laughed so hard we couldn't breathe.

cold summer

 i’ve had this dream twice. once last night & once three weeks after one of my best friends, eric committed suicide. there aren’t any words said through out this whole dream.i’m just going to write it down.to get it out.

 i’m alone in a secluded,off white house in the desert. the paint is chipping off and you can see parts of the brown wood underneath. it’s old, its my house in the dream.

 there is nothing in this house except for a very light pink antique parisian love seat with an off white border. there are open windows with no glass, just open square holes in the walls. a light breeze coming in causing the white sheer curtains to waft in the wind.my hair is down & i’m wearing a light pink night gown, it goes down to my ankles.

 i look at the curtains standing in the middle of the room. staring out the window at the sand, some specks glide lightly over one another. & all of the sudden the scene changes.

im standing in the kitchen doorway. the two sided kitchen leads to the dining room where an off white picnic table sits. the paint is chipping off but it still looks beautiful, just like the house. this time i’m in a light pink, off the shoulder dress looking up. glitter confetti falls down, my arms open, my eyes close as my hands catch the confetti. there are boys in tuxedos. though it never shows any of their faces; all of them are talking, laughing, and eating chocolate cake amongst each other. it’s my birthday.

 through out the boys in tuxedos and my birthday party, i’m disconnected. i see people but not their faces. i hear chatter but am not involved in any conversation. i see a familiar face out of the corner of my eye, sitting at the end of the table on the left. wearing all black, but not in a tux. alone, disconnected, content, just like me. i walk over and he turns to me, its my friend eric, he looks up at me smiling only with his eyes.

 all the sudden its back to the beginning of my dream, where i’m standing looking out of the window. i’m back in my pink long gown, only this time.. i’m not alone. eric is standing next to me. we sit together on the old parisian love seat. i lean my head on his shoulder, he leans his head on me. we sit in comfortable silence expressionless.just like we used to.

 then i wake up, feeling like he was really there. feeling like i was just with him, and he was letting me know he’s okay.

my eyes are your kaleidoscope

lately i’ve got that jungle woman hair, been busy planning camp outs with my best friends around lunar eclipses & meteor showers. playing music for everyone, everywhere. waking up to a dog that acts like a kitten & a cat that looks like an owl at my best friends apartment every other weekend. i’m super excited to develop some 35mm film from different cameras. i quit my intolerable job & spent the last of my money on a banjo. our garden is thriving. last week, we made all organic soaps to sell.stayed up late eating donuts intensely watching e.t. because sean had never seen it. i’m ready to start finishing some old paintings that i haven’t had time for lately. i’ve been waking up from different vivid dreams.. strangely with good plots that should be vampire movies. ups brought a wonderful c.d that i’d forgotten i ordered a while ago & have been listening to on repeat. yesterday we had a family dinner at my granmas for my uncles birthday and ate some comfort food. am super drained/energetic from the abundance of love from the beautiful people i’ve gotten to see this month. right now seans asleep with a fever in bed, our cats asleep on my vanity and i’m going to partake in breakfast at tiffanys with some apple sauce and gypsy tea. i’m a very tired, happy girl.

 

astrud astrud, ambulance. insound tour series no. 12

this song plays when :

⋆youre sitting in your room painting with the window open & an incant burning

⋆youre riding your bike in the cold with a scarf covering your pink nose

⋆youre stepping off of a plane in florida for instant humidity;entertaining yourself with feet moving from
  square to square, trying to step on every crack without getting any slower

⋆youre a senior on the city bus ditching school to watch monty python and the holy grail with your boyfriend

⋆youre falling asleep outside on a quilt your great great grandmother made for you

⋆youre dreaming

⋆youre on a train to santa barbara to visit your best friend & take photos with tall plastic purple dinosaurs

made these with charcoal, paint & ink